You might think you can just about get your head around Greek and Roman mythology – yes, unravelling the relationships is often like solving advanced equations, but there are always comfortable starting points or a story that adds at least a sliver of logic to proceedings. Egyptian mythology…less so. Admittedly, we are generally only ever introduced to the likes of Anubis and Thoth at school age, so perhaps the unfamiliarity is breeding not so much contempt as suspicion. If your route 1 into Egyptian mythology starts with a jackal-headed god weighing corpses’ hearts against a feather to determine truth, the road forward can only branch perversely. With anywhere from several hundred to around two thousand (if you’re counting regional deities and underlings), the sky was creaking with madness.
Dua – God of Toilets
Dua (pronounced Dwa), clearly last in the queue at the job centre, is the God of sanitation, cleanliness, and matters lavatorial. The latter, sadly, may well be modern-day hijinks, poking fun at our ancient cousins, but nevertheless, a God in charge of plumbing is good enough for me. ‘Dua’ is also a word for praise, again increasing the likelihood that texts have been scrambled over the years. Alternatively, there could be some confusion with the God Duamutef, one of the four sons of Horus (that’s woken the ‘Only Connect’ fans up). With the head of a jackal (they ran out of animals, clearly), Duamutef watched over the canopic jars of the dead, specifically that which contained the deceased’s stomach…
…OR it refers to the dua-wer, the metal chisel used to crank open the mouths of corpses to eat, speak and breathe in the afterlife. A million laughs, either way.
Medjed the Smiter
Featuring in certain copies of The Book of the Dead, Medjed (sometimes spelt ‘Medjedu’ or ‘Metchet’) appears in a spell:
“I know the name of that smiter [i.e., Medjed] among them who belongs to the House of Osiris, who shoots with his eyes, yet is unseen. The sky is encircled with the fiery blast of his mouth, and Hāpi makes report, yet he is unseen.”
A God of judgment (in particular smiting, if you hadn’t picked up on that), this is essentially the only reference, although if a Scooby Doo ghost get-up and firing lasers from their eyes isn’t enough for you, I can only apologise. The unfortunate cartoony appearance has led to Medjed appearing in Japanese manga, anime and computer games.
Bes – Protector of Households
Associated with all that is good – his jurisdiction also included mothers, childbirth and children – Bes, sans maracas, sadly, was introduced into Egyptian lore via the Nubians, and accounts of his worship spread as far as Syria and Ibiza. Unusually, Bes was generally depicted face-on, as opposed to in profile; such were the positive benefits of his blessings, all of which protected households from evil spirits and snakes, and were even said to aid sexual pleasure, especially when depicted alongside his female counterpart, Beset.
Early representation saw Bes as a lion rampant, but, alas, these were his glory days. A victim of his own popularity, Bes’s later appearance on drinking vessels and ornaments showed him as a bow-legged, beer-bellied dwarf, sticking his tongue out, wearing a plumed headdress and carrying a tambourine or drum.
Ahti – The Hippo Wasp Goddess
Another God considered to be spiteful, little is known about Ahti aside from her appearance – the body of a hippopotamus and the head of a wasp, complete with antennae. Other accounts suggest the head of an upright cobra. You can understand the spite.
Gengen-Wer – The Honking God
Nile Goose God, Gengen-Wer, laid the egg from which life itself hatched. The name literally translates as ‘Great honker’ or ‘Great cackler’.
Sepa – The Donkey Centipede God
Sepa protected his worshippers from venomous animals, handy in Egypt, you’d suspect. He is also associated with fertility, due to centipedes’ hunting activities helping to create fertile soil for crops. Most often, Sepa was depicted as a simple centipede, but other representations show him as a mummified human with a donkey’s head, complete with centipede-like protusions.
Khenti-Khas – God of Dead Noses
It’s good to specialise, something Khenti-Khas was clearly well aware of. Khenti-Khas was tasked with protecting the noses of the dead during mummification. The nose was treated with some suspicion by Egyptians, with the noses of statues being vandalised to destroy any spirit still living within them.
Sehakek – God of Mysterious Headaches
So, not the God (or actually, more precisely, a demon) responsible if you’ve just banged your head on the kitchen cupboard. Sehakek is depicted with a backwards physical form, indicating confusion and turmoil, or as a young man with his arm draped in front of his face. It’s oddly disturbing.
Apesh – God of the Night
Apesh was one of several Gods of the night and was, understandably, considered an enemy of Ra. He had the head of a tortoise (or possibly a turtle), as both were considered evil, which seems a bit rough on tortoises. Eating turtle meat was seen as an abomination to Ra, so he was lucky to have not been around for Cannibal Holocaust.
Tefnut – Goddess of Spit and Drizzle
On the surface, Tefnut had a top gig as a Goddess of water, but her remit didn’t stop there. Covering the whole landscape of moisture, Tefnut oversaw drizzle, dew, mist, and, yes, spit, indeed she was created by her father, Atum, spitting. She was represented by a mouth spitting in texts, but in bodily form took the shape of a human with a lion’s head wearing a sun disc, so there’s that at least.
Meskhenet – Goddess of Childbirth
You’ll be interested to learn that in Egypt of old, women often gave birth squatting over a pair of bricks. For this unfortunate reason, Meskhenet was shown pictorially as a brick with a woman’s head…wearing a cow’s uterus as a hat. Fortunately, there are alternate paintings which see her without the brick element, so every cloud.
Shezmu – God of Perfume and Wine
…and blood. Shezmu was associated with perfume, ointments, oils and wine, as well as taking an active part in festivals and frivolities. As wine and blood are somewhat interchangeable in Egyptian mythology, he was seen as an underworld God, linked to embalming, with paintings of him taking the form of a lion or vulture-headed man carrying a large knife. Something of a split personality, he was said to crush people’s heads rather than grapes in a wine press.
Babi – Erect Baboon God of Corpse Peni
It’s all happening with Babi. Baboons are, of course, a terrible beast, no manners and whatnot – duly the God considered Baboon Chief was a nasty piece of work, living on entrails and devouring the souls of the wrong-doing dead. As baboons were considered to be particularly virile, Babi strutted around the place with a constant erection, and ensured that the dead’s penises were carefully looked after so they could have sex in the afterlife. He ferries the souls of the damned on a craft with a sail attached to his giant phallus.
Daz Lawrence
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